Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
