OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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