At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
