Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
