So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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