Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
