woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
