oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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