"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
