Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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