i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
