I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
