So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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