You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
bring money and cleavage
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
