I could make wine with my vomit
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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