mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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