nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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