Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
