You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
