If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
