Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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