Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
