Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
