so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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