My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I can't put those talents on a resume
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
