someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
