I'm sorry my penis didn't work
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
