i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
