I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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