We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
