Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
