Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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