I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
