No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
