I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
