you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
