and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
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