I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
