Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
someone owes me an orgasm
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
there is glitter all over my balls
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
