You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
