I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
