we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she peed on how many people?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
