i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
we're so committed to being not committed
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
