I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
