You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
