I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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