i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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