Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
