Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
