dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
third nipple confirmed
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
