I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
